Conflict Resolution – Reflections from Fiona Silver Butterfly 23/04/2012
What creates conflict?
Who is responsible?
Who’s issue is it really?
How does one get to an amicable resolution?
We all have some kind of conflict in our lives one time or the other. Conflict is defined as
to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash: The account of one eyewitness conflicted with that of the other. My class conflicts with my going to the concert; to fight or contend; do battle or struggle, especially a prolonged struggle; strife; Discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of ideas; incompatibility or interference
Most people are conflict adverse. They will rather not say what they truly feel to keep the peace. But sometimes it is vital for us and other to stand up for ourselves, for what we believe in, else things will just stay the same. In Kabalah I got taught, you either throw the cup and it breaks against the wall or you throw it inside and in doing so you get hurt on the inside. Doesn’t mean that we literally have to break stuff, but it illustrates that there is energy within us that needs to come out. Sometimes we surprise ourselves with the amount of energy that want to be released. In those cases, a good gym session, hitting a boxing bag, screaming in the woods or whatever it takes.
The most frustrated of conflicts are the ones where the other person isn’t there, cannot be contacted and you sit with it all. In those cases the best to do is to physically WRITE it out, not type on computer, it doesn’t release the stuck energy and emotions, physically write. The aim is not to send it to the person it is to get rid of it. And you can choose if you want to burn it, bury it so the worms can eat it up, write on a balloon and set it fee, see it all fly away and leave you. Whatever tickles your fancy. I prefer burning it. There’s a trick to it. You fold the paper in four, and burn it. Depending with what emotions the letter was written, the flames will be bigger with emotionally charged letters than with amicable letters. So do it on the outside of the property, in a fire proof place, preferable a fireplace or braai. Then after it has burned, you need to inspect it, if any piece of the paper didn’t burn, it means that there’s still more to write and release. See it this way, if it was a piece of cancer inside you, would you leave it in or release it. Go back sit and think and just write down all that springs to mind. No matter how big or small you may perceive it to be.
During the past month it has become evident from my client consultations why people avoid conflict. The biggest reason is FEAR. FEAR of the reaction from others, FEAR of being rejected, FEAR of being alienated, FEAR of being judged, FEAR of LOOSING, (be it FEAR of loosing your job, or FEAR of your loved one). When the FEAR (the False Evidence Appearing Real) seems too big, they rather keep quiet. When we keep quiet and don’t express ourselves as we should, we develop throat infections, irritations in the throat area, constant coughing, scratchiness in throat, flue, and my favourite a pain in the neck, I say so, because that is what it literally and figuratively is. In Louise Hays book – “You can heal your life” she makes the correlation between our ailments and the root cause emotions. To give an example – Flue stems from Influenza / Influence to be more accurate negative influence. The people who are negatively influence by other causes them to be more prone to catching the flue virus than others, that’s why not everyone gets the flue when it does its rounds.)
Although it is cut and dry what the solution to conflict is, clear and open communication in a calm manner, what ends up manifesting is not always just that, even though you may have set the intent to have a harmonious, calm and peaceful home/workplace/school, that may be the last thing that you get when the paw-paw hits the fan.
So who’s responsible? It is both parties responsibility. What is meant with responsibility - It’s having the ability to respond. Through effective communication, where listening is just as important as speaking when it’s your turn, we get to hear the other person’s point of view. As they say there is always two sides of a story. The open communication creates awareness. It is then up to us, by exercising our free will, how we are choosing to respond. And when we evaluate it we can see for ourselves if any adjustments of thoughts, deeds or actions, belief systems or old behavioural patterns is called for. Sometimes we are totally unaware on how we make others feel. When we become aware and change, so much the better. We shift, our life shifts and we will not necessarily have to go through it again.
Holding judgements against ourselves and others gets mirrored to us through conflict and will be repeated until we are ready to release the judgements, forgive and move on. Then our experiences and relationships change.
When we don’t it becomes a missed opportunity for us to grow and then we’ll have to go through the lesson again with perhaps the same person or others until we get it right.
So what goes wrong? How does wanting to communicate blow up in a full fight? Mostly it’s the EGO personalities. The EGO doesn’t like to be in the wrong. The EGO doesn’t like to be seen in a negative light. The EGO doesn’t want to give in, be submissive. And from an EGO perspective, it will never ever apologise. The EGO will die before admitting any wrong doing or inappropriate behaviour. That’s why they say it takes a bigger person to say they are sorry afterwards, ‘cause you have to rise above the EGO personality. And one EGO clashing against another EGO can get nasty. Time-out is needed for the dust to settle.
How does one know who’s issue it is? Well it is with the person who has a chemical reaction in his/her body. The one that gets hot under the collar. If you have the chemical reaction it’s your issue, if they have a chemical reaction and you don’t, it’s their issue, and if you both have a chemical reaction, you know you both do. The nail has been hit on the head and the truth hurts (the EGO not the person). So when someone has raised something for your attention and you get hot under the collar. Take some time to reflect. Where does this come from? Where does the behavioural patterns, belief systems or attitudes come from? Adopted, coping mechanism (fight or flight mode), or passed down from one generation to another and just become a pattern of behaviour. Some seem to live for drama and conflict, especially those who want to exert there will off on others, those who likes to dominate, those who want to control, manipulate and bully others.
Usually what they see in others is what’s lacking within them. The faults they see in others are aspects of self that hasn’t been accepted. That was one of the things I learned in Demartini’s Breakthrough Experience. He made us list all the characteristics of someone we really didn’t like. He then made us think of 5 people we’ve done that too and own the trait. In that exercise I realised that we are all Bitches, Liars, Sinner and Saint. We are all the same. NONE have JUST good qualities and NONE have JUST bad qualities. We have a mixture of both. There are people that tend to bring the best out in us and others that seem to bring the worst out in us. The more we accept ourselves the more tolerance there are for others.
So the question then, how does one get to an amicable resolution. It takes two to tango. Both parties need to be willing and open to communicate. I can highly recommend the following: Before the meeting ask for Divine Protection. Say out loud to yourself “I choose to disconnect from the lower mind and the lower ego and to connect to my Higher Self. I choose to think, feel, act and react only from my Higher Self. Call in Archangel Michael to stand next to you with his Sward of Holy Truth, ask to only see, hear and speak the truth in this matter. Ask to connect beforehand with the conflicting party’s Higher Self and ask the same from them in your mind.
Where you cannot get it right to communicate on your own, then a mediator is called for. I’ve been called in for mediation from time to time, to help people to communicate with a neutral person present.
Sometimes one person may get to a place where they want peace before the other person is ready to do so, then the one ready has to patiently wait for the other person to process what has been said in order to be able to be in position to move on, or beyond. And in that period self-reflection and self-evaluate is needed in the areas where perceived wrong has been done, or less appropriate behaviour. Be willing to admit it to self. Be willing to forgive self and others. And be willing to bury the hatched when all is said and done and resolved.
There is a gift hidden in every situation. When you see the lesson, that what is being shown to you, you are all the better for working with it. That is how we grow, when we transform. Tony Gaskins said “Growth hurts that’s why they call it growing pains.” So true.
If you have a situation that needs to be resolved, healed or let go of and struggling to do it on your own and need help, especially help with healing after a conflict, in order to get back to our centre, back into balance, I can help you. Call for an appointment.
May peace prevail within your mind,
May peace prevail within your Spirit,
May peace prevail within your heart,
May peace prevail within your life,
May peace prevail within your environment,
May peach prevail on EARTH
And so be it
Love and light blessings from the Portal of Alchemy
Fiona Silver Butterfly